WALK WITH ME, THEN TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE

There is no truth, only ideas of it.

A moment, slowly fading.

Gestures grading motionless.

Still and picturesque.

dimmed to Black and white.

…

Ending on the extremes,

far end spectrums of my being.

Patient as it disconnect.

Subtle as it depart.

…

Blending lifeless on the background.

Calm as it reside,

On a chapter of my subconscious,

this instant comes to hide.

…

lost, it will be,

on the pages of my mind.

Waiting to be remembered.

Begging to be found.

…

thousand colors collide.

This dream I bid goodbye.

Promise of a Phantone soul,

all blends to black and white.

I felt like sleeping on a concrete pedestal, my back resting on a lamp post. So that’s exactly what I did… Then I woke up smiling like “that’s how its done son!!”. Then I looked at my side and saw this stray cat seating beside me. Starring at me like “we should do this more often”. And I’m like “well I’m sober so I’m gonna go home now”.

Naryan ka

saaking harapan ngunit di ka malapitan

Natatakot

na ako’y tablahin at itaboy aking damdamin

…

May nagawa ba?

At binaon sa limot aking pangalan

May itatanong

Dama mo ba? oh di mo lang namalayan?

…

PRE-CHORUS:

Bakit lumisan?

Di mo ba nadama ‘king pusong nagmakaawa?

Di mo ba napansing ako ang iyong tala?

…

CHORUS:

Tumingin

Tignan mo ang buwang sumisigaw ng pagibig

Pakinggan mo’ng bituing sumisikat saatin

Umalala

Bumalik, gumising,

at ibulong saaking… “akin ka”

akin ka

…

Nagdududa

Ano ang nadama nung tayo’y magkasama?

Puso mo’y di mabasa

Malapit nang mababaliw, Ayoko nang manghula

…

PRE-CHORUS:

Ngunit lumisan

Di mo nadama aking pusong nagmakaawa

Di mo pinansing ako ang iyong tala

…

CHORUS:

Tumingin

Tignan mo ang buwang sumisigaw ng pagibig

Pakinggan mo’ng bituing sumisikat saatin

Umalala

Bumalik, gumising,

at ibulong saaking… “akin ka”

akin ka

…

BRIDGE:

kaw ba’y di nakaramdam?

oh nag bingi-bingihan

nag bulag-bulahan

Pitik-bukag, kaw ba’y manhid?

Sinasadya? oh di mo lang nakita?

…

Nalulunod sa tanong, tanong

Manghula ng sagot sa  tanong,

Pati sagot sa tanong, tanong

Akin ka at wag ka nang magtanong…

…

CHORUS:

Tumingin

Tignan mo ang buwang sumisigaw ng pagibig

Pakinggan mo’ng bituing sumisikat saatin

Umalala

Bumalik, gumising,

at ibulong saaking… “akin ka”

akin ka

…

“Akin ka”…

How about forgiveness? 

Acceptance? 

How about breaking your own rules?

How about taking back what you own?

How about accepting what you deserve?

How about leaving things undone?

To letting go?

How about living within every moment?

How about not over-thinking?

How about not thinking at all?

Be insensitive.

Be selfish.

How about making mistakes?

How about not explaining?

Be hated.

Be misunderstood.

…

How about deciding who you are?

How about using that “entitled to one identity” voucher?

How about personalizing that God given soul?

How about exempting yourself from making everyone happy?

How about standing upright for your rights tax free?

How about pulling yourself out of charity?

How about googling self-importance?

How about thinking about yourself?

Cause you do have a life.

How about following your heart without society’s permission?

How about not paying debts of another?

How about ditching self-sacrifice?

How about accepting that pain does not exempt the righteous?

How about embracing human nature?

…

How about giving yourself another chance? 

How about accepting that helping hand?

How about embracing the unknown without prejudice?

How about deciding to love again?

how about letting that stranger in?

How about celebrating difference?

A toss to wondrous disorders

… 

…

How about coming home?

How about accepting that you don’t need to understand?

How about believing and taking control?

…

This morning, I found “Its time to be epic” 

Written on my home bound ticket,

And I know It’s from God,

Not coincidence.

He compared his life with mine cause he thought I was different and began to laugh.  I said “Thank you” and laughed with him. He didn’t understand what I just said so I simply questioned  ”Did you just compare your life with mine? cause I prefer me.” I asked if he had ever been to a club, drank liquor or had taken drugs. Skin print an impulsive tattoo, took somebody’s life or been to a newspaper for something either bad or good. He just froze… He is a “christian boy”. He sang for God every Sunday and played by his rules all his life. He walked in a lousy way without realizing, pretends to be someone he wasn’t and often told stories about his experiences like he wants everyone to think he is living the high life. He had his shades on every time he saw the sky and often walked like a rockstar. The sight of him thinking he was “living the life” almost made me puke… Then I said “You act normal, live normal, look normal and eventually die normal just like everyone else. Wheres the fun in that?” He didn’t know what to do, so I said I was joking… I lied. I wasn’t joking, I just didn’t wanna make him realize this things and didn’t wanna let him learn.  I wanted him to think his life is the best life he could actually have. It is a curse. But if he dies without realizing, then I guess he died happy. I’m doing him a favor.

Love is a gift no one should ever refuse… So I took it and said thank you. I was so surprised. Its been years since someone out of my family thought of me special. Enough for them to take time and spend to pick me a present. It wasn’t even Christmas or my birthday so I guess it was then that special. 

It was wrapped in metal sheets and outlined with chains topped with a stainless lock. It was those kinds of lock you have to rotate four number combinations to access. It looked very nice and heavy… I bit my lips and sort of glanced at her with my head still facing her gift. She caught me and giggled like she was sure we were on the same page or like I knew exactly what was going on. It was exactly the opposite. 

She slowly fixed her hair with one hand then pushed her present closer to my chest while uttering “go”. She looked very exited. I shrugged my shoulders, I was feeling weird. I never understood what the lock was for. It felt even weirder when I recalled we never really spoke about numbers, except for that one night she told me I was her number one, But then I was drunk enough to assure you it actually happened. But even if it did, it wouldn’t be enough for me to unlock that box.

I didn’t wanna make her feel bad or waste her time after what she did. And I thought it was rude to keep her waiting and watch me open her present since I had no idea how to figure out her boxed riddle. So I told her I’ll open it when I got home. She said “okey”. By then she no longer looked exited. She began to smile again after seconds and wiggled her toes outward really fast, just stayed there Like she was waiting for me to do something. She stared in a weird kind of way that it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t understand.

I Did not know exactly what reaction she was expecting. I was completely lost. then I began to think, maybe she wants something in return. So I wore my signature smile and reached into my pocket. I found some loose change and held it in front of my chest and said “Five” in a questioning manner. She faded her smile half way, it wasn’t what she was looking for. So I hid my hand at the back of my spine and brought it back in her front as fast as I could. “twenty” I spoke in a loud humming way just to soften things up cause the air was getting kinda heavy. But she completely withdrew her smile and I could tell she was hurting. I knew I messed up bad so I took out my wallet and got my largest bill. “A thousand”. Guess I was that embarrassed enough to jump from twenty to a thousand real quick. I shouted it the second time. “A thousand!” I looked at her with that smile you pull off when you’re a hundred percent sure with what you just said while I danced with my good foot, almost doing the shuffle. 
Turned out I was completely wrong. I guess she was expecting something money cannot compensate with. She nodded and began to cry. I didn’t know what to do, I swear i didn’t. I handed back her gift but she didn’t want it back. I insisted but she just cried harder. It felt wrong to take her gift with me after what i did so I just left it on the floor and walked away. 

When I was far enough, I looked back and shes no longer there. Guess she left with her metal plated box. That is when I remembered those days we spent together. The nights we stopped time… Everything just flashed back so fast in black in white except for the last time we were there in that place. That moment we laid on the grass fields and just stared at the sky. She held my hand, stared for a moment and smiled. It was full of colors, almost psychedelic… That is when I realized what the combination was. This time I was a thousand percent sure.

It was “1 4 3 3”.

I just finished reading my first book, and it kinda felt good. “The perks of being a wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky. Charlie, the main character, is a high school freshmen who happens to think a lot and likes walking from his school to his house. He is a wallflower, someone who never spoke about what he truly feels and acts very awkward in social situations. I felt very attached to this character cause I saw myself in him in every way except I was much older and I wasn’t molested by anyone.

I feel good tonight. (and yes I am drunk like most of my nights). It feels good to know that there are people on the other side of the world that knows exactly what I feel and that I don’t have to feel strange about being myself. That I can stare back at people when they start looking at me from head to toe, look back at them without feeling strange because a portion of society does this kinds of things and that when I stare back, that portion of society stares back with me… And now I kinda feel like painting my shoes with the words “Puta ka”, so the next person I bump into who likes to “look at people from head to toe” would read whats written on my shoes and raise their eyebrows or much better, piss them off. They’ll look at my face weird and I’m gonna smile at them and whisper ”go change”. I’m sure they wont understand, but their subconscious will. And they wont be able to sleep tight until they figure out what I meant with those mysterious words… I wish they don’t.

This book made me feel superior in a strange kind of way. I have no words to describe it. I don’t think I can explain to you exactly how it felt, But let me try. It felt nostalgic and futuresque at the same time in a way that the present didn’t matter. It’s like eating meat for the first time and realizing that you have been fed with shit ever since. You began to hate home, packed your things and left cause you felt betrayed and you begin to curse your mother for raising you to be a vegetarian… Okey, I’ may be exaggerating a bit. But yes, I feel that good that I had to exaggerate. But I want you to know that I feel really good. Which is strange cause oftentimes I had to drink to keep myself from thinking. But now I drank because I felt like writing. And I write better when I’m drunk. 

In that book, Charlie said that the novel “the catcher in the rye” and “fountainhead” worked for him. So I’m planning to read this books next. I’m kinda curious if reading books really makes you “feel good”. So I’m gonna have to read this novels to find out and to have other books to compare my first read novel to. Wish me luck. Hope this other books doesn’t spoil my enthusiasm towards reading cause I’m gonna have to work on learning the piano to keep myself alive, which I think is harder. 

Nagising sa himig ng katutubong kanta

Mundong tahimik, pangako ng umaga

Simoy ng hanging dumadaloy saaking pisngi

Dama ang sayang hawak ng aking mga ngiti

 …

Amoy ang agahang hain ng amang pinuno

Rinig ang saya’t sigaw ng tropang asa ilog

Magtrabaho’t Maglaro, pagkain ang tanging luho

Sarap ng simpleng buhay, alay ng aking puso.

 …

Puso’y umalangan, maling tibok ang naramdaman

Nagdilim ang paligid, kasiyaha’y biglang naglisan

Natigilan ng Makita, Pangalan mong nakaukit saaking ulo.

Putang inang pag ibig, bakit mo ninakaw ang aking mundo.